Down in the education unit again...bored out of my mind -.-
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Hid my breakfast again this morning, I was 'supposed' to eat 2 slices of toast, but I just hid it up my jumper (it was boiling hot and it hurt my stomach like hell!!!)
For lunch it's sandwiches, so I'll just take the Chicken Salad sandwich (230kcal) and eat half of it without the crusts, then I'll skip dinner and snacktime completely.
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Karen (psychologist) is ringing me at 2.30pm today, so no doubt i'll be in more shit -.-
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Right, I'm going to go look for some new ana-buddies,
adios x
Monday 5 December 2011
Friday 2 December 2011
D:
I can't get rid of all this unnecessary F.A.T!!! >_<
I'm determined not to eat until tomorrow dinnertime, I need to get the empty feeling back, so I can feel strong and in control again. I CAN do this, I will get down to 85lbs, I WILL I WILL I WILL!
I'm determined not to eat until tomorrow dinnertime, I need to get the empty feeling back, so I can feel strong and in control again. I CAN do this, I will get down to 85lbs, I WILL I WILL I WILL!
Tuesday 29 November 2011
I think i'm in trouble...
Reasons why i'm in trouble today:
I really need to get out of here...I feel like i'm just pissing everybody off :( And I think that the staff might know that I threw my breakfast in the bin this morning... >_<
- Today was weigh day, and despite the fact that I water loaded, the scales showed that i'd lost more weight (only 0.2kg, but i'm still in trouble...)
- I think that the staff have clocked on to the fact that i'm waterloading :S
- When I spoke to my psychologist yesterday afternoon, she was telling me that the physical symptoms of my weight loss are getting really noticeable.
- Apparently in my meeting last week, I said that my Keyworker (Drew) doesn't talk to me. I didn't even say that! And now Drew really hates me, and I sound like a complete and utter bitch :(
But Drew does talk to me, he's a really good keyworker! And now he thinks that I really hate him, but I honestly don't, I think that Drew is the best keyworker i've ever had :(
I really need to get out of here...I feel like i'm just pissing everybody off :( And I think that the staff might know that I threw my breakfast in the bin this morning... >_<
Monday 28 November 2011
First post.
Right, so this is the first post of my blog. I doubt that anybody is going to read this, but that doesn't really matter much I guess?
So, I guess I should probabley start with a quick summary of everything.
I'm 16 years old, and for the past 2 years I've been an inpatient on an adolescent mental health ward. (I still am an inpatient) Originally I was admitted for a psychotic episode, but things have started to get better in that aspect, and now I'm focussing on sorting out other things.
I'm being treated for post-traumatic-stress-disorder (PTSD) and clinical depression. Although the nurses have picked up on some of my eating problems recently in the last couple of months, as I've kept it pretty well hidden for a while. So now I'm being watched like a hawk every meal time, and if I don't eat I'm put on bedrest until the next mealtime -.-
I'm really struggling with the PTSD side of things at the moment, I developed PTSD from being sexually and physically abused for the majority of my time at secondary school by a boy name Charlie in the year above me. I experience flashbacks, visual & auditory hallucinations and vivid nightmares about the events that happened from the ages of 11-14 years old. But I'm talking to my psychologist (Karen) about it, and hopefully she can help me.
...
speaking of Karen, I've got an appointment with her today. I have 2 sessions with her a week; I go to see her at the clinic for one session, and she rings me for the other. So today she's ringing me. She's ringing me at 2.30pm.
...
at the moment, I'm in the education unit, we all have to go to the ward's education unit on weekdays, from 9.00am-11.15am, then we have a lunchbreak until 1.15pm, and then we go back to education until 3.00pm.
I like going down to the education unit, it gives me a chance to get off the ward for a bit, and to get a bit of normality back into my life. Plus, there's internet access down here! (Although, most websites are blocked.)
...
I don't have any homeleave at the moment; the nurses are watching me like a hawk because they've picked up on my eating business. I know that they're only doing it because they're concerned, but it's really irritating me!
The nurses noticed that I've been progressively losing weight since March time, and that I've been avoiding eating. They they worked out my BMI (Body Mass Index), it should be about 18.5 to be a healthy weight, but mine is 15.5, which isn't too bad, so I don't understand why they can't just LEAVE ME ALONE! >_<
But i'm pretty good at making the nurses think that i'm okay. I just hide food, and waterlog just before I get weighed so that the nurses don't know i'm still losing weight.
...
Why do I want to lose weight?
Well, I don't specifically want to lose weight, it's more about the sense of control it gives me. A lot of it is linked to the whole PTSD aspect of things. I'll explain a bit...
Basically, when Charlie used to do horrible things to me, it made me feel absolutely disgusting. And I still do feel disgusting. A lot of the time I can still feel Charlie touching me, and it makes me feel sick to my skin. And I wish that I could just shrink away so there's nothing left for Charlie to touch. I feel disgusting even seeing my own body, or if somebody else touches me (even if they just brush past me) So I can't stand to even feel my own body. I feel uncomfortable, and when I eat I feel even more uncomfortable. Because I feel like I'm standing out even more, and that there's more for Charlie to touch. So i'm trying to get rid of Charlie, get rid of the uncomfortable feeling, and shrink away until Charlie can't touch me anymore.
When I look on the scales and see that I've lost weight, or look in the mirror and see my bones sticking out it makes me feel good about myself. I feel like i've achieved something. I don't know what it is exactly that i've achieved, but I just get the feeling. Does that make sense?
...
It's about 35 minutes until I have to go back onto the ward, and I really really really don't want to have to go back :( I hate it up there so much, I feel trapped up there. And I'm really dreading lunch time -.-
...
Well, I should probabley get on with doing some school work, i'll post again soon :)
So, I guess I should probabley start with a quick summary of everything.
I'm 16 years old, and for the past 2 years I've been an inpatient on an adolescent mental health ward. (I still am an inpatient) Originally I was admitted for a psychotic episode, but things have started to get better in that aspect, and now I'm focussing on sorting out other things.
I'm being treated for post-traumatic-stress-disorder (PTSD) and clinical depression. Although the nurses have picked up on some of my eating problems recently in the last couple of months, as I've kept it pretty well hidden for a while. So now I'm being watched like a hawk every meal time, and if I don't eat I'm put on bedrest until the next mealtime -.-
I'm really struggling with the PTSD side of things at the moment, I developed PTSD from being sexually and physically abused for the majority of my time at secondary school by a boy name Charlie in the year above me. I experience flashbacks, visual & auditory hallucinations and vivid nightmares about the events that happened from the ages of 11-14 years old. But I'm talking to my psychologist (Karen) about it, and hopefully she can help me.
...
speaking of Karen, I've got an appointment with her today. I have 2 sessions with her a week; I go to see her at the clinic for one session, and she rings me for the other. So today she's ringing me. She's ringing me at 2.30pm.
...
at the moment, I'm in the education unit, we all have to go to the ward's education unit on weekdays, from 9.00am-11.15am, then we have a lunchbreak until 1.15pm, and then we go back to education until 3.00pm.
I like going down to the education unit, it gives me a chance to get off the ward for a bit, and to get a bit of normality back into my life. Plus, there's internet access down here! (Although, most websites are blocked.)
...
I don't have any homeleave at the moment; the nurses are watching me like a hawk because they've picked up on my eating business. I know that they're only doing it because they're concerned, but it's really irritating me!
The nurses noticed that I've been progressively losing weight since March time, and that I've been avoiding eating. They they worked out my BMI (Body Mass Index), it should be about 18.5 to be a healthy weight, but mine is 15.5, which isn't too bad, so I don't understand why they can't just LEAVE ME ALONE! >_<
But i'm pretty good at making the nurses think that i'm okay. I just hide food, and waterlog just before I get weighed so that the nurses don't know i'm still losing weight.
...
Why do I want to lose weight?
Well, I don't specifically want to lose weight, it's more about the sense of control it gives me. A lot of it is linked to the whole PTSD aspect of things. I'll explain a bit...
Basically, when Charlie used to do horrible things to me, it made me feel absolutely disgusting. And I still do feel disgusting. A lot of the time I can still feel Charlie touching me, and it makes me feel sick to my skin. And I wish that I could just shrink away so there's nothing left for Charlie to touch. I feel disgusting even seeing my own body, or if somebody else touches me (even if they just brush past me) So I can't stand to even feel my own body. I feel uncomfortable, and when I eat I feel even more uncomfortable. Because I feel like I'm standing out even more, and that there's more for Charlie to touch. So i'm trying to get rid of Charlie, get rid of the uncomfortable feeling, and shrink away until Charlie can't touch me anymore.
When I look on the scales and see that I've lost weight, or look in the mirror and see my bones sticking out it makes me feel good about myself. I feel like i've achieved something. I don't know what it is exactly that i've achieved, but I just get the feeling. Does that make sense?
...
It's about 35 minutes until I have to go back onto the ward, and I really really really don't want to have to go back :( I hate it up there so much, I feel trapped up there. And I'm really dreading lunch time -.-
...
Well, I should probabley get on with doing some school work, i'll post again soon :)
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